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Finding your parental path

A place where those facing infertility can come and find inspiration, gain knowledge and maybe even have a laugh.

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Letting that Balloon Go

2/17/2013

4 Comments

 

Letting that Balloon Go

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Facing the possibility of having to take extraordinary measures to start or grow your family may feel daunting. When we are young and begin to imagine how our lives will evolve, having children is supposed to come naturally and on our own timeline. As women, we look forward to becoming pregnant and carrying our biological children. Once that illusion is shattered, letting go of the dream can stir up profound feelings of betrayal and disappointment.

As you have read from my
other posts, I felt that domestic adoption was easier to embrace than the anonymous egg donor process. Personally, I didn’t want to carry another pregnancy for the fear of having to endure another loss. Of course, there is risk associated with adoption too. But for me, it just seemed like the road that would lead me to our future child(ren).

Ours is a labor of love when our children come to us via adoption, surrogacy and egg donor cycles. Now that I am on the other side of
wishing and wondering, I can attest that even though my children don't share my biology, I absolutely experienced labor pains. I labored with my eldest for 2 weeks before he was born and 2 days after his birth. When his birth mother mentioned that she wanted to take him home for a night when we spoke over the telephone, just 2 weeks before his scheduled birth, my labor pains came in the form of panic. I was frantic after that conversation because I was almost certain that we would not be taking him home with us. In the case of our twins, I labored throughout my entire pregnancy; I worried that I would either miscarry or that Logan and/or Trevor wouldn’t be alive and breathing after their delivery. 

As human beings, we don’t just want what we want when we want it, we also want it how we want it. I’m here to tell you that if you allow yourself to follow another parental path, your joy will be just as great once your children become yours. None of my children share my DNA but they all have my heart and that is more than enough for me. Nobody can take that away from any of us.

With our eldest, I always feel such joy when I’m driving and happen to look in my rearview mirror and get a glimpse of Brandon’s birth mother looking back at me. When we were going through the adoption process, my compass was always pointed towards making sure that his birth mother was certain she was doing what was best for her and especially him. I’m amazed at her strength and her ability to give us our greatest happiness at the cost of her own. Logan and Trevor came by way of
anonymous egg donor but they have acquired so many of my mannerisms that I can’t possibly distinguish where the donor ends and where my husband and I begin. 

One of my sister’s favorite euphemisms is, “You just need to let that balloon go…” I definitely think it applies in the case in infertility. If we allow ourselves to let go of the idealistic notion of how we wanted our children to enter into the World, we can grasp onto what is most important—feeling the enormous joy when they arrive in their own unique and wonderful ways.
 

4 Comments
Karen
2/23/2013 01:34:17 am

Thank you Denise for this wonderful blog. I am currently in that Grey area of not knowing what to do. I was 31 when we started TTC and at 33, after 2 failed IVFS, learned that I have DOR. I am now 36 and don't know why I can't move forward. After months of counseling, I feel I am warming up to usingg an egg donor, but that anger of not being able to contribute DNA is very real. Thank you again for sharing. Infertility is a very lonely place.

Reply
Denise Steele
2/23/2013 03:21:33 am

Karen,
I am sorry that you have joined the unpopular sorority of infertile sisters. I hope you find the answers you deserve and that they will ultimately lead you to the child/children you so desire.
Best wishes, Denise

Reply
Karen
2/23/2013 04:35:49 am

Thanks Denise. Do you mind if I ask a personal question? I completely understand if you do not wish to answer. I am scared that I will feel completely weird and unhappy if I become pregnant with a donor egg. I so badly want to carry a baby, but just always imagined announcing the pregnancy and being pregnant as such a happy thing. Were you happy and content during your pregnancy or were you anxious about the decision to use donor eggs? Thanks so much! I really want to get past my hurdle and move forward one way or the other.
Kaen

Reply
Denise Steele
2/23/2013 04:41:14 am

Karen,

When we learned that I could not have biological children, it was not difficult for me to let that balloon go. My pregnancy was difficult for me emotionally but it had to do with the fear that I had about losing another pregnancy. You may want to read some of my other posts related to loving my children as my own. We all come at this from different perspectives, however.
Denise

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    Denise Steele is a proud mom of 3 boys thanks to private domestic adoption and a successful anonymous egg donor cycle.

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