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Finding your parental path

A place where those facing infertility can come and find inspiration, gain knowledge and maybe even have a laugh.

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Letting that Balloon Go

2/17/2013

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Letting that Balloon Go

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Facing the possibility of having to take extraordinary measures to start or grow your family may feel daunting. When we are young and begin to imagine how our lives will evolve, having children is supposed to come naturally and on our own timeline. As women, we look forward to becoming pregnant and carrying our biological children. Once that illusion is shattered, letting go of the dream can stir up profound feelings of betrayal and disappointment.

As you have read from my
other posts, I felt that domestic adoption was easier to embrace than the anonymous egg donor process. Personally, I didn’t want to carry another pregnancy for the fear of having to endure another loss. Of course, there is risk associated with adoption too. But for me, it just seemed like the road that would lead me to our future child(ren).

Ours is a labor of love when our children come to us via adoption, surrogacy and egg donor cycles. Now that I am on the other side of
wishing and wondering, I can attest that even though my children don't share my biology, I absolutely experienced labor pains. I labored with my eldest for 2 weeks before he was born and 2 days after his birth. When his birth mother mentioned that she wanted to take him home for a night when we spoke over the telephone, just 2 weeks before his scheduled birth, my labor pains came in the form of panic. I was frantic after that conversation because I was almost certain that we would not be taking him home with us. In the case of our twins, I labored throughout my entire pregnancy; I worried that I would either miscarry or that Logan and/or Trevor wouldn’t be alive and breathing after their delivery. 

As human beings, we don’t just want what we want when we want it, we also want it how we want it. I’m here to tell you that if you allow yourself to follow another parental path, your joy will be just as great once your children become yours. None of my children share my DNA but they all have my heart and that is more than enough for me. Nobody can take that away from any of us.

With our eldest, I always feel such joy when I’m driving and happen to look in my rearview mirror and get a glimpse of Brandon’s birth mother looking back at me. When we were going through the adoption process, my compass was always pointed towards making sure that his birth mother was certain she was doing what was best for her and especially him. I’m amazed at her strength and her ability to give us our greatest happiness at the cost of her own. Logan and Trevor came by way of
anonymous egg donor but they have acquired so many of my mannerisms that I can’t possibly distinguish where the donor ends and where my husband and I begin. 

One of my sister’s favorite euphemisms is, “You just need to let that balloon go…” I definitely think it applies in the case in infertility. If we allow ourselves to let go of the idealistic notion of how we wanted our children to enter into the World, we can grasp onto what is most important—feeling the enormous joy when they arrive in their own unique and wonderful ways.
 

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

2/9/2013

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

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The day my husband, Brian, and I learned that the 3 embryos resulting from our first IVF cycle all had massive chromosomal abnormalities, strife and  resentment began to fester between us.  I had just walked in the back door having returned from an acupuncture appointment. We were due to go into our endocrinologist’s office the next morning to transfer the embryos that had fertilized from my egg retrieval a few days prior. Brian asked me to sit down and he seemed extremely somber. I thought to myself, “Oh God, who died?” I hadn’t even considered that the news he was about to deliver would be related to our IVF cycle.

After he shared the news, we held each other and cried together. He had written down a lot of facts that included the specific chromosomes that were abnormal for each embryo. Then came the defining moment that seemed to set the tone of our tumultuous infertility journey, Brian had moved to one of our club chairs and was sitting across from me when he said, “Well, we are going to have to look  into using an egg donor!” Fury was what I felt, smelled and tasted at that very moment; I flew into a rage. 

My anger stemmed from him not giving me even a moment to grieve the loss of my fertility or even process it for that matter. It was abundantly clear to us both that my eggs had spoiled and were beyond rotten. Given my age, my previous miscarriages and the new set of harsh facts, the notion of me ever carrying my own biological children had just died. I was incensed that my husband had already accepted that reality and  had moved onto his desired path within an hour of the heartbreaking news. 

My outrage was intense. I remember thinking (and maybe even saying) “This has to do with me. How about letting me decide how we are going to move forward?!” Of course, I realized this had to do with us both but I wanted/needed it to be about me in that moment. 

After many hurtful words were spat, Brian demanded that we get in the car and go for a ride. It was chilly outside so we both threw on our jackets. Before we left, I poured myself a large glass of Pinot Noir. I figured that since I wasn’t going to carrying a pregnancy that week, I could do  whatever I wished. That memory actually makes me shudder because it reminds me of just how emotionally weak I had become and how deep my despair had grown back then. 

We drove for a short distance when Brian stopped our car (obviously he was the designated driver) on the street adjacent to our favorite park. This was the place where we rode our bikes days after our second miscarriage to release our tension. We often strolled there and talked about our hopes and dreams of having a baby. We would watch children playing and chuckle at the tantrums they put their loving parents through when they were told it was time to leave. 

I didn’t want to get out of the car. He came to my side and begged me to get out and walk. I ultimately relented but not without bringing my glass of wine. On our stroll, he tried to make me understand his point-of-view when he made the poisonous statement minutes earlier. I yelled and cried at him for all of the park patrons to see. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would never be planning any play dates with the mothers present so what did it matter.

No resolution was found on that day nor would it be for quite some time. Our relationship became embattled during our journey to find out children. I felt for the longest time that the comment Brian made that day nearly broke us as a couple. It was difficult for me to let go of my anger and resentment towards him because I couldn’t understand how the person who was supposed to love and cherish me could have been so insensitive to my feelings. We moved forward with our goal to build our family through various means but I often thought, “How can we focus on having a child when we can't even agree on how to make it happen?” 

Forgiveness, on both of our parts, has come over time. As I have said before, the process of building a family through alternative measures tests everything we know about ourselves, our partner and those who are doing their best to support us. One of the most difficult aspects of infertility is that it shakes our foundation and forces us try to stand while the ground beneath us is completely unsteady. While we try to hold onto each other, sometimes the force is so great that we lose our grip. While we stretch for our partner, it seems that his/her fingertips are just beyond our reach. The sad irony is that we have never needed our partner's love and support more.

I realize that I'm airing our dirty laundry; I do so with the hope that it will somehow spare you the profound pain and agony we endured while building our family. My message to you is simple; protect your marriage/partnership with all your might. Work on building the love, trust and respect between you and your partner because once your children enter the World, in whatever way that happens, your relationship will be the basis onto which that little human will rely. In other words, make love, not war! Peace, my dear friends.

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I was Hoping I would have a Baby by This Weekend

2/1/2013

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I was Hoping I would have a Baby by This Weekend

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Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a clear-cut process that would guarantee you a healthy child within a specific (short) time-frame? Whether you're trying to conceive naturally, enduring fertility treatments or moving forward with adoption, there are no guarantees. 

The weekend is just around the corner; Saturday and Sunday are the days that everyone else has been looking forward to. My guess is that weekends just leave you with more time to wonder, ‘Where in the heck is my baby?” 

Shopping for adorable baby clothes and nursery items will likely prove to be more punishing than fun. If you have decided to adopt, you may want to spend some time considering the options that will  ultimately define your family makeup. In my opinion, adoption requires 3 important attributes: an enormous amount of courage, a huge leap of faith and a great deal of patience. Actually, 4--adoption also requires a financial commitment. In fact, these are the very same qualities that will come in handy when you become a parent.

Let's address the important questions you will need to ask yourself and your partner (if you have one) in order to move forward with adoption.

From where would you like to adopt? A lot of information has been shared in the media lately about International adoptions. You should know that there are still babies waiting to be adopted in the United States too.

Would you like to become a parent to an infant, a toddler or an older child? If you adopt internationally, you will be adopting a toddler or an older child. Given the provisions that are required to adopt outside of the US, there is no way to adopt an infant outside of this country. If you’re looking to adopt an older child, you may also want to consider going through the Foster system.

Would you be willing to go through the foster care process to adopt? This option alleviates the financial obligation but the emotional risks are much higher. The goal of foster care is to reunite the birth parent(s) with his/her biological child/children. The process may stretch out for quite some time depending on the birth parent's situation. With each passing day, the bond between you and the child will likely grow stronger.

Are you prepared to adopt a child with special needs, one that has been exposed to drugs/alcohol or would you prefer to adopt a seemingly healthy baby? This is sometimes a difficult question for families. If you truly don’t feel that you could parent a child with special needs, then it is important to be honest with yourself and your partner. There are definitely healthy babies and children waiting to be adopted.

Would you be willing to adopt twins or multiples? If you are open to this possibility, you may increase your odds of adopting sooner.

What  race or nationality would you like for your adopted child to be? This requires you to think long-term about your family makeup. Obviously, if you adopt a child outside of your race or nationality, you will likely be asked questions on a regular basis from family, friends, acquaintances and even complete strangers. While it's really nobody's business, it will behoove you to be prepared with answers that will protect your entire family.

If  you have decided to adopt domestically, would you consider open as well as closed adoptions? A lot has been learned about children having a link to their birth mother and/or extended birth families. While it can be daunting and even intimidating to think about continuing a relationship with your future child’s birth family, studies have shown  that many children benefit from this connection.

Do  you have access to the financial reserves you will need to adopt? Conservatively speaking, adoption (International or Domestic)  will cost anywhere from $30-$45K for a completed adoption. Regardless if you decide to go through an agency or pursue private adoption, there will be attorney’s fees and most likely travel expenses. There are added risks involved in domestic adoption; 30% or more domestic adoptions do not complete due to a birth mother or family member deciding to keep the child. International risks could involve a country shutting down even after matches have been made. These closures are typically political in nature. Currently, Russia is getting ready to stop permitting US residents to adopt.

Do you have the emotional support you will need to pursue a road that  could lead to your ultimate happiness but may also be fraught with major bumps? Adoption is not for the weak at heart. There are a lot of unknowns and much of the control is not in your hands. Can you handle going through an adoption that does not complete?

Are you willing to go through the home-study process? For some reason, people grow anxious and nervous around this portion of the adoption process. It is really not as bad as it sounds. Our social worker made it as painless as possible. 

If you are looking to adopt with a partner, do you agree on all of the above questions? (Personally, this was the area where my husband and I struggled the most. I was in it to win it and he sat on the bench at times. The moment our son was born, he leaped in with both feet and his whole heart, however.)
 
These are just a few questions that you should ask yourself before you commit to trying to adopt. My personal experience is with domestic adoption. If you would like to read,
Brandon’s Story, it is a post about our personal journey. It talks about the relationship that we built with our son’s birth mother. It shares the emotional roller coaster ride we took in preparing to be our son’s parents. I  also have an adoption resources page that you may find useful.

While the road for us became bumpy at times, I wouldn’t change a single twist or turn. We love our son so much and feel beyond blessed that he made his way into our lives and our hearts. We often joke with him and say, “It sure took you long enough to find us!” But of course, he was absolutely worth the wait.

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    Denise Steele is a proud mom of 3 boys thanks to private domestic adoption and a successful anonymous egg donor cycle.

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