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Finding your parental path

A place where those facing infertility can come and find inspiration, gain knowledge and maybe even have a laugh.

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Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

8/24/2012

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Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

It is no secret  that when you are faced with having to find alternative ways to start your  family, there is often a financial obligation that goes along with whatever path  you choose to pursue. Before you decide to put your goal of building your family  up on a shelf, I want to share some ways that you may not have considered to help offset some of the related expenses.

When we began our domestic adoption process, I had educated myself of the costs involved and had set aside an allocated budget. Our private domestic adoption ended up costing us  a little over $45,000. That included the attorneys’, agency, licensing, travel,  and marketing fees. We also covered some of our birthmother’s living expenses
  which were required by State law. Depending on which State you adopt from in the  US, you may be required to pay some or all of the birth mother’s expenses. You  should be mindful that domestic adoption carries a risk both emotionally and financially; 30% or more of domestic adoptions do not end up completing. A birth mother has the right to decide to keep her  child even if she has indicated otherwise before her child is born. You  may potentially have to forfeit the fees and expenses you paid towards an incomplete adoption. Some adoption agencies will credit you, however, should you  decide to move forward with another domestic adoption. It varies based on your agency and/or firm.

In our case, the majority of our adoption-related expenses were due right before our son’s birth and shortly before our adoption was complete. Given that we had set aside savings for the adoption itself, we were able to absorb those costs without becoming overly burdened. I would encourage you to do the same if you are able. I kept copious records of all of our expenses and held onto every single receipt. That enabled us to claim all of our adoption expenses on our taxes which resulted in a substantial tax credit
.

With regard to our egg donor costs, we ended up paying about $30,000. Most of our costs were associated with egg donor agency, the donor and attorneys’ fees. Mercifully, we had wonderful insurance and were covered for up to 4 IVF cycles. 

I will share a  cautionary tale, however. Even though we received the official paperwork that  stated we were covered for the 4 cycles, the day before our first IVF retrieval  was scheduled to take place, I was informed by our doctor’s office that the  procedure was denied by our insurance company. The bottom line was that if we  were going to move forward with the procedure we either had to pay it out of  pocket or get the claim approved by our insurance company. You can imagine my frustration. Since then, I have learned that this is a very common occurrence among those  who have submitted claims for their fertility treatments. In my opinion,  insurance companies try to throw up as many road blocks as they can to deter  people from making expensive claims. I imagine in some cases they succeed in defeating those who don’t wish go through the hassle and red tape of getting  their procedures approved. 

I was adamant about moving forward with the procedure. Interestingly enough, this was the cycle that lead to us learning I was completely infertile; all 3 of the embryos that grew had massive chromosomal disorders and we were unable to move forward with the transfer. Once the process begins, it is counted by the insurance provider (even if they don't approve/pay for it). But I was determined that our insurance company WAS going to pay. I began by contacting my husband’s HR benefits coordinator. I then connected with a case manager at our insurance provider. In addition to my  efforts, it also took our doctor’s office resubmitting a great deal of paperwork before the close of business. After much anxiety, the procedure was approved and we went in for our retrieval that next day.

As an aside, you have to really  work at being connected with those case managers. If time  is of the essence, (and it often is in these situations) my advice to you would be to ask to speak to a case manager as soon as you connect with a customer service representative.  Customer service reps are able to handle general questions but when it comes to something as important as getting a fertility treatment covered, that requires someone who has the adequate authority to make that call. The customer service rep will probably try to prevent you from speaking to a case manager so be polite yet firm. Once you do connect with the case manager, don’t let your emotions get the best of  you. The more polite/calm you remain, the better your chances are to convince  that case worker that they should advocate on your behalf. They will most likely have  to state your case to a physician who is employed by the insurance company; the  insurance provider’s physician will be the ultimate decision maker in determining  whether your procedure will be covered or not. 

There is a lot of talk about potential changes to federal laws
which may affect how fertility treatment claims are handled. The best advice that I can give you  on this topic is continue to seek out the information as it becomes available. I will do my best to post related articles on the Hope4Fertility Facebook page.

Whether you are considering adoption or infertility treatments, you should start researching   your insurance coverage, the types of benefits your employer may offer for adoption and begin thinking about a preliminary budget you may be able to allocate towards building your family. Also, be mindful that the health insurance plan in which you are currently enrolled may not allow for fertility treatments but your employer may offer other plans that will. Mark the date on your calendar when open enrollment occurs. Even if you are only thinking about seeking fertility treatments, sign up for the plan that offers coverage, if it is available. While the premium may be higher and more may be deducted out of your paycheck, it will definitely save you a great deal overall if/when you seek treatment. In my case, our insurance not only covered my treatment but also our egg donor's (excluding her fees for service, however).

If you feel that adoption or fertility treatments are just beyond your reach, there are programs available to those who quality to help absorb some of the associated costs. 

Educational Conferences: A Family of My Own
hosts conferences in several different States that provide the latest information in the field of family building. Check the site for conferences closest to you. The site also provides links to adoption and fertility grants.

Domestic Adoption Fee Estimates: Adoption.com
has a great article on estimating the  potential fees for domestic adoption. Also, please check out the Child Welfare Information Gateway site. There is  more in-depth information about navigating the ways  to underwrite the expenses  of adopting.

International Adoption Fee Estimates: Given that I did  not adopt internationally, I have no personal data that I may share. Adoption.com
has another great article on estimating the  potential fees associated on International adoption, however.

Fertility Treatment  Fee Estimates: Fertility treatments
are a little more difficult  to ballpark because there are a lot of variables in the equation. Depending on  the diagnosis, varied treatments are recommended. Each procedure is billed  differently and fertility drugs are prescribed based on each patient’s treatment  plan. State laws also impact how insurance companies cover fertility procedures  and prescriptions.  

Navigating the Costs of Infertility: 
 ·5 Tips to offset IVF costs
 ·Financing Your Infertility Treatments, by Mindy Berkson
 ·Can You Afford Fertility Treatments?
 
Infertility Procedure  Grants:
 ·Jude Andrew Adams Charitable Fund Application
 ·Links to grants from Creating a Family
 ·Links from RESOLVE

Adoption Grants: 
·iAdopt.Info
 Includes a long list of grants available to hopeful families

I hope you find these  resources helpful. In addition to these, you may find even more by simply typing  in “adoption grants” or “fertility grants”.

Until next time...
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Baby Hunting Resources...

8/14/2012

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Baby Hunting Resources...

Given that you are reading my blog, you have probably identified that something is amiss  with your or your partner's fertility. Whether you have suffered devastating losses or you are struggling to get pregnant altogether, let’s start to uncover the resources that will enable you to become a parent.

When I was in your shoes, I had friends and supporters who fell into two buckets. There were those who were unfortunately facing their own infertility issues at precisely the same time as me. While we were able to swap stories and uncover bits of information, I realize now that alot of misinformation was shared between us. We just didn’t have the foresight to understand that there are numerous causes for infertility and our specific cases were all quite unique and some very complex. In the other bucket, I had a sister who was able to get  pregnant by merely washing her underwear with her husband’s. Her deliveries also fell into the that’s-so-not-fair category. My niece was born a few hours after my sister’s water broke and my nephew is lucky that he wasn’t born in the car on the way to the hospital. The doctor told my sister that if she decided to have another, she should plan on wearing a net so that the next baby could make their entrance on her stroll to the hospital. She and her husband stopped at 2 though. As an aside, my sister weighed 120 lbs. at the very most when she gave birth to her children. It has always perplexed me how her deliveries were so darn easy--I thought the skinny girls always took the longest to deliver their babies. Anyway…
 
When my husband and I learned about my infertility, I was excited to figure out the adoption process and conquer that initiative. However, when it came to the egg donor process, I was not enthused about the idea whatsoever. My miscarriages were so devastating to me that I did not want to endure another pregnancy. I wanted to avoid all of the data surrounding that topic completely. 

Our approach to dividing and conquering was that my husband took ownership of the entire egg donor process and I managed the majority of the adoption details. My husband researched egg donor agencies, spent time on chat rooms and fertility blogs and interfaced with the doctors, nurses and our fertility clinic to set appointments. He even chose our egg donor agency. Of course, some participation was needed on my behalf; I showed up for the necessary doctors’ appointments, took all of the prescribed medications, and helped choose our egg donor. Looking back, I really didn’t think that I would be able to carry a pregnancy to term and deliver a live baby. Because of my mind-set, I really only wanted to focus on the area that I felt would produce a living, breathing child. My role as our adoption liaison entailed interviewing attorneys/adoption agencies and keeping us on track with the licensing process. Most importantly, I interfaced with the birth mothers who had chosen us as possible adoptive families. When we matched with Brandon’s birth mother, I fostered and nurtured that relationship. In the end, I think the time that I spent getting to know Brandon’s birth mother positively affected the outcome of our adoption.

The overall take-away here is that the process of growing your family should be a shared responsibility regardless of who bears the fertility issue, in my humble opinion. My expectation of my husband, while we were trying to become parents, was that he needed to provide assistance beyond just hiding out in the naughty room at our doctor’s office and delivering his man sample. I felt that given the physical trauma that I had endured during and after the previous miscarriages, I needed him to step up in a way that minimized my stress and anxiety. For me, his active participation was absolutely necessary so that I could emotionally move forward with the egg donor process, even though I had not bought into the fact that it would work for us.
 
I sincerely hope that you have a partner and/or network of supporters who will actively and enthusiastically participate in your path to becoming a parent. You have been through a lot (of course they have too but you win in this particular case). You should not feel guilty about leaning on them for pragmatic as well as emotional support.
 
Check out the following resources:
  • Adoption Resources
  • Fertility Treatment Resources
If you have specific questions about my path to becoming a mother, please feel free to email me directly!
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It’s Not My Party but I’ll Cry If I Want To

8/7/2012

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It’s Not My Party but I’ll Cry If I Want To

I never subscribed to the notion that sharing news of one’s pregnancy, in the early stages, was a bad idea for fear that the pregnancy may not last. Personally, I was elated when I found out that I was finally pregnant and wanted to shout it from the rooftops. On the flip side, when I learned that I would never have my own biological children, I needed to be able to lean on my closest friends and family for support. Whether they were ready or not, they were going to join me on the emotional roller-coaster ride that became my life before I became a mom.

Grief always had a way of sneaking up on me at the most inopportune times back then. When I would speak to my sister on the phone she would implore me to grieve. Her emphatic requests to “Just let it out!” always confused me. I wanted to say to her, “If you expect me to start crying with you here on the phone so that this will all be over and we can happily move on with our lives, it's just not going to happen.” 

Extreme waves of depression would always hit me in the morning when I awoke and when I would go for my regularly scheduled facials. My beloved esthetician would endure my tears  throughout my treatment. Without fail, he would always end by saying, “If you stop crying, I will throw in a chemical peel at no charge. You have to stop crying for it to work though!”
 
Shortly after I learned that I was completely infertile, our very close friends began going through a foster/adoption process. They received a call right after the Christmas Holiday that a baby girl had been born who needed to be fostered and likely adopted. They had not yet completed the licensing process and therefore were only able to babysit her until they completed all of the necessary training and paperwork. They finally started caring for their daughter full-time when she was 3 months old.
 
When she first came to them, I would go over and marvel at how beautiful she was and help in whatever way that I could. Looking back, I have to admit that in addition to feeling an enormous amount of joy for them, there was also a healthy dose of envy and jealously stirring inside of me. 

That same summer, another close friend hosted a dinner party at his home. These same friends arrived with their adorable baby that evening. My girlfriend handed her over to me, as she always did when we were together. While I was holding her, I maneuvered myself over to the couch and then patted and rocked her until she fell asleep on me. 

As I held this gorgeous, pudgy sleeping baby, who smelled like formula and Johnson’s baby lotion, I had a sense of sheer contentment. I was totally relaxed and happy. My glass of wine was just far enough away that I couldn’t reach it and it didn't matter because I had all that I needed in my arms. About a half-an-hour later I began to quietly weep. My tears flowed freely and uncontrollably. I vividly remember the expressions of bewilderment on our friends' faces as they helplessly stood and endured my emotional breakdown. Our friend, the host, nervously called out to my husband, “Brian, D’Lo is crying!” Brian came to my side, as did the baby’s parents. Interestingly, they did not seem the least bit panicked or worried. I’m thinking that I may have been if I were they. They patiently allowed me hold their daughter for as long as I needed so that I could work through the pain of not being able to hold the babies we had recently lost. 

In those moments, I didn’t give one wit that the majority of our friends were feeling pity for me/us. I didn’t care that there was a real probability that one, if not all, of our friends were wondering, “Shouldn't we call a professional about this situation?” and/or “Doesn't someone have a Xanax in their purse for God’s sake?” 

During my predicament, life went on for those around me. I finally figured out that I was going to have to come up with a work-around solution if I really wanted to be a mom. Staying in bed with the covers pulled up over me and summoning my husband to bring me Diet Cokes just wasn’t going to get me the outcome that I truly wanted.
 
While I was trying to figure out how I was going to become a mom, I also spend a lot of time doing the following…
  • Getting facials, manis and pedis
  • Dropping by our jeweler on a very regular basis and I am embarrassed to say that my list grew exponentially during this time
  • Adding to my collection of shoes and purses
  • Enjoying a lot of expensive dinners while drinking a lot of margaritas and vodka sodas
  • Traveling for business and pleasure
  • Meeting with my therapist

Looking back, I clearly squandered away a whole lot of money. Pinterest
hadn't been invented yet, People! If it had, I could have saved some serious do-re-mi. If you are looking for ways to refocus your energies, may I suggest yoga and meditation? It would certainly be a lot less expensive and way more beneficial for you. Far be it for me to judge though! If you would like to invite me to join you for a margarita and discuss your path to becoming a parent, I am happy to do so.

I am thinking positive thoughts for you!
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Nature versus Nurture – I Love Mine Just the Same

8/1/2012

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Nature versus Nurture – I Love Mine Just the Same

PictureCard sent to our dentist's brother!
A question you may have for me or my husband might be, “Was it difficult for you to decide to adopt and/or go through the egg donor process?” You may also be secretly asking yourself, “Are their feelings any different (or is their love any less) for their children since they are not 100% biological?” I would answer the first by saying that there are several answers to that question. The second one is super easy though—I can’t imagine loving my children any more than I already do. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. My husband would say the same and then he would get tears in his eyes. His love is so deep that he wells up on a daily basis from the mere joy and affection he has for our sons, AKA the BLT Bros.

I wanted to be a mother no matter how my children arrived. I knew that my love would be the same regardless of their genetic make-up. I had experienced pregnancy and loss and was beyond desperate to become a mom. There were days when my longing was so great that if a baby would have been parked in their stroller just beyond his/her parent’s reach, I would have taken the opportunity to snatch it and run. I realize that is straight up crazy talk but I ached for a baby and probably would have brokered a deal with the devil if I would have been assured a child.

Now back to the first question, the time that it took us to finally decide upon which road was best for us was long and winding.  Truthfully, our marriage was thoroughly tested at this juncture because I felt strongly about adoption and my husband felt just as strongly about moving forward with an egg donor. That struggle began while we were still visiting with the doctor who determined the reasons for my infertility. We worked with therapists to try to help us decide how to move forward. I will focus on the decision making process in a future blog entry.

If you are anything like me, my guess is that your emotions are all over the map right now; you may be relieved to know that I behaved in ways that were affected by my emotional state. I felt that I was in a constant state of Purgatory while I was impatiently waiting to become a mom. Control was and is the center stone of my existence but I secretly knew that I had none at that time in my life. I did my very best to exert it when I could though. My career in sales has been built on the art of persuasion. Those were the skills onto which I leaned because I desperately wanted to influence my own destiny. I thought that I could manage those holding the keys to my parental future in a way that would produce a baby AND QUICKLY. In my mind, I felt that I was supposed to be a mom back in 2006 so tick-tock, time’s a wasting people!! The obvious targets were our social worker, our adoption marketing firm, and our attorneys but I didn’t limit myself to those individuals. OH, NO, NO.

I verbalized my deep desire to be a mom to almost anyone who was willing to listen. For example, I found out that my dentist’s brother was an obstetrician and that he had connected an adoptive family with one of his patients. Once I learned that little tidbit, I asked my dentist for his brother’s information and he actually GAVE it to me. OH LORD!! I began calling his brother, the obstetrician, on a weekly basis. I did not feel the least bit awkward about doing so either. Looking back, I really appreciate his compassion and sensitivity; he always took my calls and he gave me a reason to keep pursuing my dream of being a mom. Of course he gets a Holiday card from me every year! Don’t you wonder what the heck he thinks when he gets that card? Those are the cringe-worthy moments that I referenced in my first blog entry
.

Another day that I remember quite well was one that came just a few weeks before we signed the contract to move forward with our anonymous egg donor and connecting with Brandon’s birth mother. I received a news report
 that came out about a baby who had been found in a garbage bag in Chicago and rushed to a nearby firehouse to be rescued. This report came to me by way of Google alerts. Back then, I had set up a search to forward me stories on abandoned babies. As soon as I read the article I thought to myself, “This is our baby!” We had gone through the licensing process to adopt within the US. My belief was that we would be eligible to adopt any baby that had been abandoned. For the record, that was definitely a faulty assumption on my behalf. 
 
Right after I read the story, I called the nearby firehouse and asked to speak to the chief. I was transferred to a gentleman and began to explain our situation. In summary, I told him that I was licensed to adopt in the State of Illinois and that we were working through an agency and social worker who could help us adopt the boy who was abandoned. I then asked him to share the whereabouts of the baby that had been found the night before. There was a very LOOOOOOOOONG and drawn out pause. He then replied, “How did you get my information and who are you again?” I repeated my full name, the name of our social worker and told him that I needed to know where the baby was taken. 

OK, at this point, you know where the conversation was going…”Ma’am I am not allowed to share that information….” Of course, I thought that I could state my situation in a couple of different ways and also include facts that were not limited to my husband being a very important City Employee and that I ran a Board for the largest Children’s Hospital in the Midwest. I mean wouldn’t you think those details should have assured him that breaking the rules, in this particular case, was completely permissible? Serious cringing happening right now! He respectfully held his position, however. 
 
I was not deterred by being shut out by the chief, however. Nope. I called the aforementioned hospital and reached out to anyone and everyone that I knew to try to find out if the baby had been admitted.  The HIPAA laws prohibited them from sharing that information, of course.
 
THINKING, THINKING, THINKING, I was. How am I going to get my baby by the end of this evening? DUH, I just needed to call DCFS and speak to a person who could put through the proper documentation and connect with our social worker. I Googled the head of the department, called and got voice mail, 0’d out and then just started calling any/all numbers that were associated with the department. The pace was becoming just a wee-bit feverish at this point because there was a baby out there who needed his mom. I did manage to connect with a few folks. They were quite kind in trying to figure out how to politely redirect me/decide if they should report me to the authorities. 

In the end, the inquiries ended about mid-day. I had pleaded my case to no less than 12-or-so people and figured I would get a call later that evening letting me know where my son was and how to move forward with our adoption. Surprisingly, nobody ever called me back that day. I still wonder about that little baby. If he survived, he would be just over 4 years old today; exactly 3 months older than my Brandon.

As I recall those stories, I remember how frantic and utterly helpless I felt back then. I had no children and my first thought of every day was always, “What if I never get to be a mom?” That was always my last thought of the day too. 

Though my stories conjure up the possibility that I may have grown a teensy-weensy crazy during my struggle, busying myself with outreach made me feel sane. I NEEDED to keep myself focused on those tasks so that I felt a sense of control over my situation. I was just trying to stay in the I don’t want to lose my ever-loving mind zone. Maybe you're familiar with that zone? It seemed to work for me most of the time. I also was meeting with a therapist on a weekly basis which provided me immense support. 

Keep the faith, future moms. When you wake up in the morning and right before you go to sleep, say to yourself, “WHEN I am a mom…”

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    Author

    Denise Steele is a proud mom of 3 boys thanks to private domestic adoption and a successful anonymous egg donor cycle.

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