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Finding your parental path

A place where those facing infertility can come and find inspiration, gain knowledge and maybe even have a laugh.

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Dealing with Insensitive and Hurtful Comments During Infertility

10/1/2012

26 Comments

 

Dealing with Insensitive and Hurtful Comments during Infertility

Let me be the first to say that before infertility smacked me in the face, I may have hurt or offended others by asking insensitive or even ignorant questions about their fertility struggles. I want to say how deeply sorry I am for whatever words I may have spoken or actions I may have unknowingly taken that hurt you. Clearly, I was stupid and unaware back then and now I know better.

So let’s start with that, our family and friends desperately want to try to help us but they fumble at times. That happens whenever we are faced with a major challenge and it definitely applies to infertility. While their intentions are good, they make mistakes and sometimes don’t even realize that the words they choose may be hurtful and biting. For those that have never been through what we have, there is a lot of curiosity and sometimes questions leave people’s mouths before they ever consider how their words are being received.

I am writing this in part to try to educate those around you. Feel free to send my blog to your entire network so that nobody feels singled out; I am happy to be the bad guy in this situation.

I have personally been on the receiving end of obtuse comments. This narrative exemplifies what we sometimes experience as parents who have built our families through creative measures…

After our twins were born, we went as a family to an annual 4th of July celebration. Our friends knew about our struggles and were elated that we had finally completed our family. We wanted to share our happiness and our adorable little guys with everyone. At the time, our twins were 8 months old and our eldest was 20 months old. We had a great day. However, just as we were leaving, one of my husband’s oldest friends and I were chatting and he asked me a question that still irks me to this day. Given our close relationship, he knew all about our losses and how we created our family. In fact, he was at the party that I wrote about in an
earlier blog entry where I had a mini break-down. On that glorious 4th of July afternoon, he literally said to me, “So the twins are Brian’s but not yours, right?” The impact of this question was so stunning to me that it felt like he had punched me right between my eyes. My first inclination was to slap him as hard as I could, drown him with whatever beverage I was holding, and scream, “ALL of my kids are mine! I nearly died giving birth to MY twins and if you think for one second that they aren’t mine, you are a BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEPing idiot!”

Mercifully, I composed myself and simply said, “ALL of my kids are mine. They don’t happen to share my DNA but you better believe that they are MINE.” 

Now seems like the appropriate time to share some phrases that one should NEVER say to someone who is facing infertility or has created their family through alternative methods:
  • Who are his/her/their REAL parents?
  • Do you wish you could have had your OWN?
  • So, they aren’t REALLY siblings then, right?
  • Well, at least you already have one!
  • Are you going to try to have your OWN children?
  • Why did their adoptive mother/family give them up?
  • Who is their adoptive family? Where do they live? ETC.
  • Who is the egg/sperm donor? Where do they live? ETC.
  • Maybe God doesn’t feel this is your time/or that you should have children. (Someone actually said this to me. She is an Atheist, by the way. I am still working on forgiving her that one, but very major, transgression.)
  • Maybe this isn’t the right time.
  • Try to focus on other things
  • How much did your baby cost?

Now, if you are in the process of researching alternative ways to build your family and you connect with others who have been down the same path, always start by asking, “Are you comfortable sharing your story…?” Speaking for myself, my goal is to provide you with as much information as possible so that you may find your parental path posthaste. If you ask me a question that falls outside of the parameters mentioned above, you will definitely be forgiven. As I said in the beginning of this post, I am SURE that I asked questions during our discovery phase that probably annoyed or even offended others. I was so curious and I wanted a baby so badly that my questions were often asked with little regard for those graciously trying to lend their support and guidance. Boy, I am having to apologize a lot in this entry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

On the other hand, if you are on the receiving end of this blog from someone who is struggling with infertility, I hope this entry has provided you some insight. Clearly, you want to do whatever you can to support your friend or family member during this tumultuous time. I am sure your heart is breaking for him/her/them. My only advice is to be mindful of the words that you choose. Sometimes, words that are meant to be encouraging can actually cut and unknowingly damage the relationships that we hold so dear.

Lastly, remember that once a person or couple makes it over to the other side and becomes a parent, that child is theirs regardless of the how they were brought together as a family. Asking questions about how that child came to be can sometimes be very intrusive. For children who are adopted or have come by way of a donor, their birth story is theirs and it should be protected until he/she decides to share it. People ask me all the time about our eldest son’s birth family. My simple reply is, “If Brandon chooses to share the specific details about the amazing woman who gave birth to him, that is his choice and his alone.”

My intention in writing this entry was to enlighten all of us. Infertility is a subject that leaves many battle scars. Let’s try to support each other, as best we can, while we are waiting to celebrate the birth of your future children.
26 Comments
Jen
10/1/2012 07:07:17 am

Or, how about my personal favorite, in reference to Katherine after she was born... "So, how much did she end up costing?" I stood there for what seemed like a full minute, squinting, head cocked, mouth agape, trying to figure out how to respond. That question would be rude even if you were just referring to someone's shirt! Fantastic writing, Denise. By the way, I owe you a phone call to catch you up on our new house and hear all of your news. It's been a crazy summer, but I hope you guys are all well.

Reply
Denise
10/1/2012 07:14:15 am

Oh, yes, how could I have forgotten that one, Jen? Thanks for your comment. I would love to hear from you!

Reply
Melissa
10/22/2012 06:43:41 am

I have been dealing with infertility and trying to get pregnant for over seven years now. I did finally get pregnant in August 2011 but sadly I miscarried at 11 weeks and 3 days. We completed the last of our fertility treatments in August 2012 so heartbreakingly I'm trying to cope with and come to terms with never becoming a mother. By far the rudest and most insensitive remarks that my family and friends have told me is that I just have to accept it because its God's will and I need to just trust that he knows better than I do about me becoming a mother. By the way, all of these caring individuals all have children and haven't had to deal with infertility. I'm just so sad but I hope that one day I can learn to accept what will never be and be a more thankful person for the things that I do have.

Reply
Denise Steele
10/22/2012 07:01:43 am

Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss. It seems that it is difficult for those who have not experienced miscarriage or the agony of trying to get pregnant to sympathize with your situation. That doesn't make it right or fair, however.

When a similar comment was made to me about God not granting me the ability to have children, I chose to not buy into that notion. As difficult as it is, I encourage you to communicate your hurt to those who are making those insensitive comments.

I sincerely hope that you will find the answers you deserve so that you can start your family and become a mother.

Denise

Reply
Michelle
1/16/2013 05:45:31 pm

Wonderful writing and comments. I feel as though I need to print this out and hand it around. I have a 3 year old daughter (my miracle baby!) and was diagnosed with PCOS about 18 months ago but had been trying for about 8 months before that.

Some of the comments are just priceless. So many times have i heard 'at least you have one already-some people have none' (basically making me feel ungrateful and spoilt for even wanting to expand our family so my daughter can have a sibling) and 'Just Relax and it will happen (like the reason I'm not falling pregnant is because i must not be relaxing about it...) but the best one is my father in law telling me that my daughter is 'Lonely'.On more than one occasion. Nice huh? Even though he knows what we are going through to try and have another child. And when I just go silent, he takes is as I didn't hear him and precedes to tell me all the times where he has noticed it. Coincidence much that I'm having a 'teary' day (thank-you clomid) a day later?

The fact that other people are having to go through this same stuff is even more frustrating but i know im not alone. Thanks for sharing this xxx
PS- My jaw was on the ground when i read the comment' so the kids are not yours but you husbands right?'. I am totally Flawed!

Reply
Denise Steele link
1/17/2013 12:49:08 am

Michelle,

I am sorry you are struggling. I can appreciate that when close relatives or friends make hurtful comments, their insensitivity compounds your pain.

Suggestion: if/when your father-in-law makes another hurtful comment, maybe you (or your husband) say something like, "Given that you know we are struggling to conceive again, I/we am/are always perplexed by your continued comments about us having another child. I am sure that you don't mean to say things that are hurtful but just so you know, they cut at the core. You will obviously be one of the first to know if we are successful at having another baby. Until then, I would appreciate it if you would not bring up this topic again with me/us."

I realize that could be a difficult conversation and may end up hurting his feelings. On the other hand, why is it 'ok' for him to continue to hurt yours?

Good luck!
Denise

Reply
Pam
7/20/2013 11:26:44 am

One other comment I hate hearing is "you can have mine". When we lost our twins my husband heard that from 3 different people. That type of person who jokes about that should not be allowed to have children.

Reply
Denise link
7/20/2013 01:41:05 pm

Yes, I know. I think people who have not struggled with fertility have a very difficult time knowing what to/not to say. While their intentions are not malicious, those type of insensitive comments can really be callus.

Reply
A Khan
9/26/2013 12:59:32 am

Hi there,

I read your story and then re read it. I wish I could meet all of you in person as I have so much to share. My wife and I (especially my wife) have been hurt so many times by callous comments from "friends" that sadly enough, I now spend time at work surfing the net for websites relating to "insensitive comments re infertility". My wife and I are both 34 years old. she is absolutely fine, but I have an abnormally low count. We have had 2 failed IUI attemts and are 1 week into our first ICSI procedure. Watching my wife go through those injections, nausea, fatigue, hot flushes, restlessness and then all over again has made me feel so guilty and helpless. I love her even more than I did when we first met.

I sympathise with all of you who have been victims of disgusting comments and I hope and pray that everything works out for all of you and that you are all protected from the stupidity of foolish people.

Going through this experience has irreversibly dented my faith in other people. Period. I was a sociable person before, but after some of the comments I have heard my wife recieve, I have little or no time for people generally. Both my wife and I have said that if we are ever blessed with children, we will never ever make any assumptions about other people's situation, ever.

Peace to all of you.

Reply
Denise Steele
9/26/2013 10:16:01 am

I am sorry to hear that you and your wife are experiencing infertility. When the stakes are so high, weathering inconsiderate and ignorant comments just adds insult to injury. I have always been one to fight fire with fire. That hasn't always benefited me or our family, however.

Looking back, some of the people who made such insensitive comments, fell deeply in love with my children. The barrier that I put up as a result of their comments, made it difficult for me to let them back into our lives. In the end, my children deserve to be loved by as many people as possible. I had to work on forgiving while trying to educate those same friends and family.

Maybe try to educate before your children come so that when your biggest joy(s) arrive, you can just focus on being happy!! Mending fences is exhausting--especially when you're up several times changing diapers and doing late night feelings. Also, penance could be paid in the form of free babysitting!!!

Reply
Melissa
9/28/2013 07:27:46 pm

I feel for you all and offer continued prayers and support through your journey and struggle with infertility. It is probably the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. Insensitive and hurtful comments only reopens the wounds that you are trying to heal.

Reply
AS
12/26/2013 05:08:21 pm

I won't pretend to know what it's like to deal with infertility, but as someone with PCOS I can say I have also had to deal with my own share of obtuse comments (that's the nice way of putting it). I can't believe people don't think before they speak.

One of the things I've heard is people supposedly ask those questions (as idiotic as I think it is) because they want to share in happiness when you have children. Honestly if people wanted to do that, why can't they have the sense to say something more supportive? Or shut their mouths? Knowing that someone said your children weren't really "yours" is very sad.

I don't think people who are fertile and have no fertility issues know how truly blessed they are.

Reply
claire
5/24/2015 04:20:58 pm

I told my sister in law about my infertility issues. She was the first person I talked to about them as a last ditch effort at bonding (she's a bit of a bully). Knowing my problems doesn't stop her from saying "oh, you don't get it, you don't have kids" at LEAST twice per visit if not more. I can never ask her to stop though because she always says it when the kids are aroud and I have too much respect to call her out in front of her kids, even though during big family gatherings I'm the one to take care of them, she still told my five year old nice that I'm not capable of watching two kids at once at the swingset provided by our apartment. She has no idea how terribly hurtful the things she says are.

Reply
kate
6/20/2016 07:30:40 pm

Hum.... Well ... I am completely devastated (tonight actually) by comments my lifelong friend made. He has seen me go through 11 (failed) IVF's, 3 ectopics and 2 miscarriages, donor eggs and now mid 40's - no money, no children, no fallopian tubes, ashermans syndrome (now) and no hope. People need to shut up if they don't know what they're talking about. I am considering ending my friendship of 24 years

Reply
Denise Steele link
6/21/2016 09:36:11 am

Kate, I am very sorry that your friend was insensitive and hurtful. I hope there's a way that he will hear that you need his support. Sometimes we just want people to say, "What you're going through isn't fair. I am so sorry. I wish I could fix it but sadly I can't. Please tell me how I can best support you." That's it. That's all we want/need them to say.

Reply
kate
6/23/2016 06:48:48 pm

Denise, thank you so much for your understanding - couldn't have expressed it any better. I decided he was not thinking and was being an idiot so I confronted him, he was distraught, broke into tears and apologised. He is forgiven.

J
6/30/2016 03:25:44 pm

I'm visiting my grandma and she said something that really brothered me. We were having a great conversation about marriage and suddenly she reminded me I cannot and will not have children
and wanted to make sure I understood that. I told her that I have emybros frozen and I'm continuing the process. I also told her Im keeping my treatments private. I know I'll have a baby one day, it's just taking longer than planned, I'm just tired of my feeling being invalidated.

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Claire Miers
11/1/2016 05:42:08 am

People can be horrible and then others can offer insensitive advice like I used to hear, "just relax and it will happen". This advice coming from someone who used to just look at her husband and would conceive. What I did learn through my experience though, is what does and does not work. I had unexplained infertility labelled by clinics in Australia. If they looked hard enough, they would discover what was wrong. Anyway, I contacted an overseas IVF clinic in Ukraine and finally got a diagnosis. For 2 years later and many tries later we were still without a child. Deciding to stop trying is the most painful decision when all you want is a child. It continues to be painful years later and very hard socialising with families. I have taken some time off. To get back to myself. To feel like me again and not have to rely on a hope and a dream to conplete my own happiness. I experience anxiety meeting new people as inevitably the question of children always seems to come up. Then the sympathetic look when I say no children or I couldn't have children. No one says 'lucky you'. I hope that as the years continue to pass it will become less painful.

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Megan
5/21/2018 08:26:45 am

I have lived this pain. I have taken so many pregnancy tests that I should own stock. This was me for 6 years. I started to resent hope. We never gave up, never stopped trying, never relaxed. After seeking fertility help and all other options failed, we turned to IVF. And yet also found salvation in Ukraine. I was very impressed by medicine in this poor country. Our medicine center was also in Kiev city. Our clinic even provides us with transfer any time we wanted. Now I look back and remember how much it hurt – emotionally to not understand why it failed. I also now look at the three children that followed those years of pain and just rejoice with joy. I will NEVER take for granted this life. Infertility made us so much stronger.

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    Denise Steele is a proud mom of 3 boys thanks to private domestic adoption and a successful anonymous egg donor cycle.

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