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How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility

7/20/2013

How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility

First and foremost, don’t gloss over the fact that your friend and/or loved one is in crisis. In our society, we tend to go that route and it just isn’t helpful. When someone learns that they can’t have a biological child, that brutal reality is crushing. Imagine being told that the one thing you wanted most in life was an absolute impossibility. Let that notion sink in for a moment.

…Now, if it were you, how would you like it if someone simply ignored your agony?

Learning that you have to seek alternative solutions to build your family is not akin to having to choose another neighborhood because you can’t afford to purchase a home in the one you really wish to live. It’s also not even close to attending your second choice college/university. I know this because my husband and I have built our family through fertility treatments and adoption.

The only quasi comparison I can make is that infertility may be a bit like being stood up at the alter. When you're standing there feeling insanely happy about starting your life with the woman/man you love more than anything, the moment you learn that he/she doesn't feel the same way, betrayal falls down on your like shards of glass. They've made a mockery of your loyalty and devotion and it shatters your belief in the shoulda', woulda' coulda's. That's how losing my unborn children felt to me. God had played a sick joke on me/us and I was profoundly devastated. But I bring up a good point, when a person is stood up at the alter, they have a logical person towards whom they may direct their anger. Who do we blame when we learn about our infertility? I wanted to shake my fist at God but realized I would probably need his help in the very near future. For the record, I was right.

Some people tell their friends and family when they have endured a pregnancy loss and yet others withhold that information for various reasons. A direct parallel cannot be drawn between someone sharing the news that they or their partner has suffered a miscarriage to how much pain they will experience while their hopes and dreams are in serious jeopardy of ever coming true.

When couples are encountering fertility issues, it’s not uncommon for them to disagree over how they should create their family. There are so many factors that go into mapping out a parental path especially when it requires the assistance of third parties. In addition to being forced to accept the fact that a person’s future child/children will not share his/her and/or their partner’s DNA, a significant financial investment must also be made in order to pursue that goal. Can you imagine spending $20,000 or more without the guarantee of parenting a child in the end? The stress of trying to figure out from where the money will come while absorbing the shock that your body has forsaken you takes an enormous emotional toll.

Having said all of this, the question I’m sure you continue to ask yourself is, “How do I support my loved one during all of this uncertainty?” To start, put yourself in his/her shoes. Really think about what it would be like to embrace the possibility of never being able to parent a child if that was your lifelong dream.

In a previous post, I wrote about what one should NEVER say to a person facing infertility. You may want to read it and forward it onto others in your immediate family/circle of friends.

Ultimately, the person you love just wants to feel understood. They need to hear the words, “I’m so sorry!” I urge you to listen to them—really listen. Prior to asking a question, rehearse it in your head before it leaves your lips. That exercise could save you from having to apologize for inflicting unintentional pain for what may have been an insensitive remark. Try to refrain from offering the usual platitudes and definitely don’t say, “It will all be ok!” The bottom line is that you can’t assure him/her a child. Your loved one’s doctors and/or adoption facilitators can’t even grant them their wish with 100% certainty.

I realize you may feel like everything you say/do these days is all wrong. I seriously doubt that is the case, however. But sadly, I think you would agree that your predicament is far less precarious than the one your loved one is currently facing. At this particular juncture, your quiet and unconditional love is what’s needed most. In my no-so-humble opinion, these are the ways in which you may support someone who is experiencing infertility.

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Déjà vu

6/29/2013

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Déjà vu

My current quest is finding our family a home in a top-rated Chicago school district. The exercise has proven to be exhausting and futile over the past several months.

Last night, we learned that we lost out on an updated, spacious home with loads of storage and a dry basement that was also within walking distance to one of the best elementary schools in the city. I sure hope our opponent won due to a sizable difference in their bid.

When I saw the text from our Realtor that simply read, “I’m sorry but they took the other offer” I immediately felt betrayed, angry and just generally frustrated. Part of my betrayal stemmed from the hope that had begun to grow inside of me. I had already started imagining our future happiness in the home. I was angry because I had wasted my time (and my HR manager’s) frantically trying to gain access to my online ADP account that wouldn’t allow me to login. Our lender needed 2 months worth of pay stubs to work out the numbers and the listing agent had set a rigid deadline for any/all offers to be submitted. When we wrote up the offer within minutes of the deadline, I was committing to more than just the physical property. I was attaching us to the street and the community. I had already convinced myself that our children's future best friends all lived on the same block. My frustration was really about not wanting to start the whole process over again.

This wasn’t the first time we lost out on a home deal either. Back in January, we had made an offer on an even larger home with 5 bedrooms and 3 full baths. It definitely needed more work but the layout was perfect. It was located on Minnehaha Street. Now, I call it Minneboohoo Street.

When I overindulged on pineapple pizza last night while I watched the Mad Men season finale, I thought, “I am feeling some of the very same emotions tonight as I did back when I was facing infertility!”

I wanted to shout, “Why can’t you just let us buy a house?” UGH!!! I’m not really sure who, you is but I am damn mad at him/her!

The source of my internal anxiety is no longer fueled by my biological clock ticking; now it's tied to the ever-rising interest rates. Instead of sending exasperated emails to my fertility nurses/doctors, they now go to our ill-fated Realtor. My new shopping distraction is purchasing Judy Collins, John Denver, Jim Croce and Joni Mitchell songs on iTunes. Apparently, I find solace in songwriters whose first names start with the letter ‘J’. (Ok that realization just struck me. ‘J’ names were obviously very popular in the 1960’s.) I have racked up about $100 on my iTunes account just today.

Don't misunderstand me; purchasing a home can't compare to starting/building a family. My only point is that some of my old infertility wounds have been opened up during our home buying process; it reminds me of the depression I used to feel when I realized that we were back at square one. If you are anything like I was when I was desperately trying to become a mother, you may feel a pang of envy whenever you learn of others good baby fortune. Now, I definitely feel a sense of inequity every time I'm informed that we lost the chance to own a home to which I felt we were entitled. Deep down, you and I both know that the winners are probably just as deserving as we are though. Sadly, that knowledge doesn't take away the sting.

As I listen to these beautiful songs and put my thoughts to paper, I'm gaining important perspective. I realize that finding a great home in the right neighborhood would be nice but all I really need are my sweet and crazy children. I am sure you would trade any/all of your beautiful monetary things for a healthy child. I will keep thinking good thoughts for you. While you are waiting, have a listen to the Judy Collins station on Pandora. It's pretty great!

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Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

5/20/2013

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Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

I have hesitated to write about my mom experiences in this blog/forum because I remember how annoying it was when my friends used to prattle on about their current-day issues with their kids back when I had none to prattle on about. I am breaking my code of silence, however, because I want to reassure you that your current-day worry will become even greater once you become a parent.

I recall obsessively wondering from where my children would come when I was facing infertility. The nights were almost unbearable because I would lie in bed and try to conjure up ways to convince others to put me at the very top of any/all lists that would guarantee my chances of becoming a mother.

Today, I am giving you an assignment that will enable you to be the best parent you can be once your children arrive.

Last night when I was putting our 4.5 year old to bed, he began inquiring about fire safety. He asked what would happen if a fire ever broke out in our house. He wondered how he would get out of his room at night, if the fire were between he and his door. I assured him that mommy and daddy were right down the hall and that we would protect him. In my head I kept chanting/praying, “Lord, please don’t let there ever be a fire in our house—or at least not when any of us are home!”

Then I reminded him that the fire alarm was right outside his door and that it would make a sound if it detected any fire or even smoke. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake because that new knowledge actually provoked more anxiety in him. He doesn’t like loud buzzing noises. I have a sticky note on our dryer buzzer that says, “Make sure this is OFF at all times” The first night we moved into this house, it sounded right after he fell asleep and sent him into a major tailspin.

As we went through about 43 fire safety and escape route scenarios, I thought to myself, “I don’t recall ever laying in bed and wondering about this particular subject matter when I was waiting for you or your brothers to be born.” When we were adopting and going through the egg donor processes, we met with a myriad of professionals who prepared us for the physical, financial and emotional challenges we would face as parents but nobody ever prepped me for this particular event.

Once a person crosses the parental threshold, sex and drug conversations are to be expected; in fact, the first time I held our eldest I said, “Please don’t ever do drugs!” But who prepares/reminds us that we will be faced with a parental challenge of epic proportions almost every single day once our children make their way to us? Well, I guess that’s what I am doing right now, eh?

Don’t get me wrong, while I was sitting on the side of his bed and we were talking all of this through, I felt honored to be his mother. In those minutes, the awesome sense of responsibility came at me in full force. Looking back, I now realize that I had an idealistic and simplistic view of what parenting a very young child would be like; now it seems, overly so.

When I have a second to ponder the desperation I once felt about becoming a mother, I often think to myself, “I guess I should have used those months/years to prepare for how to alleviate my children’s angst about what life may have in store for them” (imagined or real). Now that I have been given the awesome gift of motherhood, I become stumped so often at the numerous inquiries my young children throw at me.

In short, here is my message to you—Spend the time that you have now preparing yourself to be the best parent that you can be. Once your child/children arrive, you will not be given a cheat sheet of the questions he/she/they will throw at you at any given moment. They start doing this at a very young age; you will be surprised!

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So, Now What?

3/21/2013

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So, now what?

This post is dedicated to all of you who are asking yourselves, “So, now what?” I received an early morning text from a dear friend who recently became pregnant thanks to an anonymous egg donor cycle. This morning’s text was panic-ridden. After having just celebrating her rising HCG levels last week, I learned that she had begun spotting this morning. I was saying, "No, no, no!" in my head. It took me back to when I experienced a similar scare when I became pregnant the very same way.

Prior to my scare, I had experienced 2 other miscarriages. They were not typical and occurred much later in my pregnancies. I didn’t spot/bleed and was unaware that I had lost my babies until the ultrasounds indicated that their heartbeats had stopped. What people don’t tell us is that there is no such thing as a typical pregnancy or miscarriage. We experience them with varying symptoms and side effects.

Unfortunately, it may take a few days for my friend to know if she is miscarrying or if her pregnancy is still intact. I am now sitting on the sidelines, much like my loved ones did for me/us, and just praying that her pregnancy and baby(s) will survive. While her pain and anxiety is off the charts, it's excruciating for me not to be able to influence her outcome.

I know she is feeling tortured. She wants an answer but only the one that will assure her a healthy baby in 9 months. When her mind starts to wander the other way, it’s just too difficult for her to fathom enduring yet another painful loss. I am sending her prayers and hoping that her doctor will say to her what mine said to me which was, “Spotting is very common with twins!”

Kisses and hugs to all of you who are fretting and worrying. I am praying that your healthy babies come to you quickly and with as little stress as possible.

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Letting that Balloon Go

2/17/2013

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Letting that Balloon Go

Facing the possibility of having to take extraordinary measures to start or grow your family may feel daunting. When we are young and begin to imagine how our lives will evolve, having children is supposed to come naturally and on our own timeline. As women, we look forward to becoming pregnant and carrying our biological children. Once that illusion is shattered, letting go of the dream can stir up profound feelings of betrayal and disappointment.

As you have read from my other posts, I felt that domestic adoption was easier to embrace than the anonymous egg donor process. Personally, I didn’t want to carry another pregnancy for the fear of having to endure another loss. Of course, there is risk associated with adoption too. But for me, it just seemed like the road that would lead me to our future child(ren).

Ours is a labor of love when our children come to us via adoption, surrogacy and egg donor cycles. Now that I am on the other side of wishing and wondering, I can attest that even though my children don't share my biology, I absolutely experienced labor pains. I labored with my eldest for 2 weeks before he was born and 2 days after his birth. When his birth mother mentioned that she wanted to take him home for a night when we spoke over the telephone, just 2 weeks before his scheduled birth, my labor pains came in the form of panic. I was frantic after that conversation because I was almost certain that we would not be taking him home with us. In the case of our twins, I labored throughout my entire pregnancy; I worried that I would either miscarry or that Logan and/or Trevor wouldn’t be alive and breathing after their delivery.

As human beings, we don’t just want what we want when we want it, we also want it how we want it. I’m here to tell you that if you allow yourself to follow another parental path, your joy will be just as great once your children become yours. None of my children share my DNA but they all have my heart and that is more than enough for me. Nobody can take that away from any of us.

With our eldest, I always feel such joy when I’m driving and happen to look in my rearview mirror and get a glimpse of Brandon’s birth mother looking back at me. When we were going through the adoption process, my compass was always pointed towards making sure that his birth mother was certain she was doing what was best for her and especially him. I’m amazed at her strength and her ability to give us our greatest happiness at the cost of her own. Logan and Trevor came by way of anonymous egg donor but they have acquired so many of my mannerisms that I can’t possibly distinguish where the donor ends and where my husband and I begin.

One of my sister’s favorite euphemisms is, “You just need to let that balloon go…” I definitely think it applies in the case in infertility. If we allow ourselves to let go of the idealistic notion of how we wanted our children to enter into the World, we can grasp onto what is most important—feeling the enormous joy when they arrive in their own unique and wonderful ways.

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

2/9/2013

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

The day my husband, Brian, and I learned that the 3 embryos resulting from our first IVF cycle all had massive chromosomal abnormalities, strife and resentment began to fester between us. I had just walked in the back door having returned from an acupuncture appointment. We were due to go into our endocrinologist’s office the next morning to transfer the embryos that had fertilized from my egg retrieval a few days prior. Brian asked me to sit down and he seemed extremely somber. I thought to myself, “Oh God, who died?” I hadn’t even considered that the news he was about to deliver would be related to our IVF cycle.

After he shared the news, we held each other and cried together. He had written down a lot of facts that included the specific chromosomes that were abnormal for each embryo. Then came the defining moment that seemed to set the tone of our tumultuous infertility journey, Brian had moved to one of our club chairs and was sitting across from me when he said, “Well, we are going to have to look into using an egg donor!” Fury was what I felt, smelled and tasted at that very moment; I flew into a rage.

My anger stemmed from him not giving me even a moment to grieve the loss of my fertility or even process it for that matter. It was abundantly clear to us both that my eggs had spoiled and were beyond rotten. Given my age, my previous miscarriages and the new set of harsh facts, the notion of me ever carrying my own biological children had just died. I was incensed that my husband had already accepted that reality and had moved onto his desired path within an hour of the heartbreaking news.

My outrage was intense. I remember thinking (and maybe even saying) “This has to do with me. How about letting me decide how we are going to move forward?!” Of course, I realized this had to do with us both but I wanted/needed it to be about me in that moment.

After many hurtful words were spat, Brian demanded that we get in the car and go for a ride. It was chilly outside so we both threw on our jackets. Before we left, I poured myself a large glass of Pinot Noir. I figured that since I wasn’t going to carrying a pregnancy that week, I could do whatever I wished. That memory actually makes me shudder because it reminds me of just how emotionally weak I had become and how deep my despair had grown back then.

We drove for a short distance when Brian stopped our car (obviously he was the designated driver) on the street adjacent to our favorite park. This was the place where we rode our bikes days after our second miscarriage to release our tension. We often strolled there and talked about our hopes and dreams of having a baby. We would watch children playing and chuckle at the tantrums they put their loving parents through when they were told it was time to leave.

I didn’t want to get out of the car. He came to my side and begged me to get out and walk. I ultimately relented but not without bringing my glass of wine. On our stroll, he tried to make me understand his point-of-view when he made the poisonous statement minutes earlier. I yelled and cried at him for all of the park patrons to see. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would never be planning any play dates with the mothers present so what did it matter.

No resolution was found on that day nor would it be for quite some time. Our relationship became embattled during our journey to find out children. I felt for the longest time that the comment Brian made that day nearly broke us as a couple. It was difficult for me to let go of my anger and resentment towards him because I couldn’t understand how the person who was supposed to love and cherish me could have been so insensitive to my feelings. We moved forward with our goal to build our family through various means but I often thought, “How can we focus on having a child when we can't even agree on how to make it happen?”

Forgiveness, on both of our parts, has come over time. As I have said before, the process of building a family through alternative measures tests everything we know about ourselves, our partner and those who are doing their best to support us. One of the most difficult aspects of infertility is that it shakes our foundation and forces us try to stand while the ground beneath us is completely unsteady. While we try to hold onto each other, sometimes the force is so great that we lose our grip. While we stretch for our partner, it seems that his/her fingertips are just beyond our reach. The sad irony is that we have never needed our partner's love and support more.

I realize that I'm airing our dirty laundry; I do so with the hope that it will somehow spare you the profound pain and agony we endured while building our family. My message to you is simple; protect your marriage/partnership with all your might. Work on building the love, trust and respect between you and your partner because once your children enter the World, in whatever way that happens, your relationship will be the basis onto which that little human will rely. In other words, make love, not war! Peace, my dear friends.

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Don’t Stop Believin’

12/31/2012

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Don’t Stop Believin’

If you are wondering what to do this New Year’s Eve and are considering staying in, I have a movie rental suggestion for you. I was taken back to 1987, the year that I graduated from high school, yesterday when I watched the motion picture, Rock of Ages; it is based on the smash Broadway hit and directed by Adam Shankman. In short, it’s about a small-town girl, Sherrie (Julianne Hough), who makes her way to Los Angeles from Tulsa Oklahoma to pursue her dream of becoming a singer. She meets her adorable boyfriend, Drew (Diego Boneta), minutes after she arrives in L.A. The director has 2 short hours to make magic happen, people! They work together in a bar called the Bourbon Room which is where the majority of the scenes take place throughout the movie.

Why am I writing about this topic on my family-building support blog? Simply put, the 4 hours I invested in the film (I watched it twice over the Holiday break) allowed me a truly enjoyable mental retreat. I thought you might also like to travel back in time and escape.

The soundtrack includes 80’s anthems like: Sister Christian, Any Way You Want It, Every Rose Has Its Thorn, and of course Don’t Stop Believin’; the music alone made me genuinely nostalgic. The
spirit of the picture feels like a medley of Glee, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Spinal Tap. I laughed out loud at no less than 5 scenes. Catherine Zeta-Jones plays the self-righteous villain, Patricia Whitaker. ‘Patty-Cakes’ is the prim and proper wife of the Mayor and she is on a mission to shut down The Bourbon Room. The scene that ranks at the very top for me is where Zeta-Jones and a group of church women break out in song while singing Hit Me with Your Best Shot in the pews of a church. In it, she is wearing a peach, pleated secretarial suit and the 80’s dance gestures she busts out are beyond hilarious. It’s just one of many gleeful scenes for me.

Admittedly, a big part of my joy came out of being so closely connected to the period in which this story took place. Sherrie, the main character, looked exactly the way I wished I had back in 1987. My spiral perm just never took the way hers did. The sides of her hair were perfectly fanned-out and symmetrical. Her teased bangs were the right amount of high with her sparkly scrunchie. I'm embarrassed to admit it but hair was the pinnacle of my existence back then and mine often fell completely flat or curled perfectly on one side but not the other. Moving on from Sherrie's hair to her attire…Tragically, my mother never bought me the Bedazzler she obviously used to adorn her short, cut-off, jean skirt. Speaking of jeans, she donned a faded, cropped jean jacket that would have looked AMAZING with so many of my torn Guess jeans and long, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts that I liked to pair with my thick, hip-hugging belts. I could almost smell the soft, clean fragrance of her CoverGirl pressed powder and strawberry Bonne Bell lip balm.

Alec Baldwin plays, Dennis, the bar owner. Dennis is on the brink of becoming irrelevant. He originally promoted the big-time rocker Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) and is holding onto the past but in a naïve and endearing way. Some of Alec Baldwin’s scenes were the funniest for me. His facial expressions were beyond priceless.

Speaking of Tom Cruise—I have to say that I am typically not a huge fan of the roles he chooses. That said, Stacee Jaxx kind of did it for me in this movie. The naughty, dirty rocker drinks, gyrates and of course has countless sexcapades. The sex scenes are far from salacious; instead they offer up amusing and awkward moments that provoke laughter and ultimately produced side stitches for me. His bedraggled, nonsensical, rants are comically seductive. I saw Axl Rose in his character. As it turns out, Shankman said of Cruise’s performance, "It's this brilliant mashup, it seems, of Axl Rose, Keith Richards and Jim Morrison,"

Another perfect casting choice, in my opinion, was Mary J. Blige as Justice Charlier. Justice is the manager of the Venus Gentleman’s Club. Blige costumes are fantastical! I love her voice and the music she belts out while her girls are contorting on their respective poles is rousing.

In one of the later scenes, Kevin Cronin, lead singer of REO Speedwagon, appears out of nowhere. He is merely singing in a group but I knew him the moment I saw him. How can you mistake Kevin Cronin for heaven’s sake? I actually rewound my DVR to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. As it turns out, there are also cameos from Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt and Sebastian.

In summary, the actors’ voices were authentic and surprisingly good. The only person who wasn’t flawless was Alec Baldwin but he certainly wasn’t horrible.

The one downside to this film is that a very attractive character appears on stage hugely pregnant in the very last scene (literally 3 minutes before it ends). While it fits the template given the majority of the 80’s rocker films like to end with the front man's girl with child (case and point, Cocktail--also starring Tom Cruise), I can definitely understand how that detail alone could be an enormous buzz-kill for you.

If this movie doesn’t appeal to you but you grew up lining your eyes in cobalt blue and killing the ozone with Aqua Net, consider listening to the soundtrack. I think Don’t Stop Believin’ may be a good mantra for you!

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When is the right time to use donor eggs

12/2/2012

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When is the Right Time to Use Donor Eggs?

I met with a group of people last week who were considering using donor eggs to start or grow their families. My impression was that they were all in various stages of the decision-making process. One of the questions that came out of the discussion was, “When is the right time to use donor eggs?”

If you read my post Egg Donor Cycle—Originally Deemed a Failure Results in Twins there was no doubt that in order for my husband and I try to have children who would share his DNA, donor eggs were a necessary component. My husband and I had gone through 1 IVF cycle; 3 embryos resulted from the retrieval but all had massive chromosomal abnormalities. Given that our first pregnancy resulted in a Triploidy child, there was little doubt that my egg quality was extremely poor. While the reality seemed harsh and unfair to me at the time, I see now that we were fortunate to have a definitive answer so that we could move forward in our endeavor to have children. What struck me last week was that so many of the wonderful people sitting in front of me were in a very grey zone.

Donor egg IVF is generally used in women with significantly diminished egg quantity and quality.
This includes women with:

Premature ovarian failure (early menopause)
Poor response to ovarian stimulation
High day 3 follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) levels
Very low antral follicle counts on ultrasound
Advanced female age, 40 and older

The first step in assessing whether donor eggs are necessary in building your family is to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. These doctors are specially trained to diagnose and treat those who are having difficulty becoming pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term.

If your R.E. recommends using donor eggs, you (and perhaps a partner) will make the final determination whether it is right for you and your family. As with IVF and other fertility treatments, there are no guarantees, unfortunately. Donor eggs do increase the likelihood of pregnancy with women who are diagnosed with poor egg quality, however.

SART, The Society for Reproductive Technology, offers an informative database of success rates for ART (assisted reproductive technology) cycles. I ran the report for 2010 and compared donor cycles to patients using their own fresh embryos. The donor egg showed a 55% success rate for live births (it did not break out the ages of the mother/carrier). The reason age is not relevant is because the majority of donor eggs are retrieved from women who are young (typically in their 20’s and very early 30’s). Conversely, the fresh non-donor embryos resulted in 12.6% of live births for women between the ages of 41-42. For women over 42, the success rates for live births from fresh non-donor embryos were reported to be 4.2%.

Going back to the original question, the live birth statistics offer a stark reality that is difficult to refute. Beyond that, I think the bigger question may be, "How much longer can you wait to be a parent?" If you have already experienced miscarriage(s) another question might be, "How many more are you willing to potentially endure?" I have a friend who has lost 5 pregnancies. Every time she shared that she had miscarried, I would privately wish that she would seek help from an R.E. It broke my heart to see her in such pain and I felt that she deserved to know the potential reasons for her heartbreak.

The decision to move forward with donor eggs is extremely personal and requires a great deal of consideration. If you opt to use donor eggs to try to become pregnant, accepting the fact that you will not be genetically linked to your future child/children is the first of many hurdles you will face. In future posts I will touch on the following:

Choosing a donor bank
Choosing an egg donor
Contemplating the issues surrounding disclosure (to your child, family and friends)
Handling the legal matters that pertain to having a child through egg donation and selecting an attorney

I realize that I have oversimplified this very complex issue. It is not my intention to try to persuade you to move forward with a donor egg cycle. While I have been blessed with 2 children thanks to an anonymous egg donor, the decision was extremely difficult for me. I definitely wanted children but was afraid to go through another pregnancy. I am merely sharing some data and resources that may be useful to you and/or your partner.

Whatever path you choose to build your family, I hope you find great success and happiness in the end.

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When You're Just Not Feeling all that Thankful

11/21/2012

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When You're Just Not Feeling all that Thankful

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and we are reminded by Facebook posts and TV ads that we should be exuding gratitude for our many blessings. Personally, I find Thanksgiving to be a bit like New Year's; instead of feeling forced to try to have fun, we are obliged to come up with a list of things for which we are grateful.

Well, when you have mourned the loss of a child, suffered a miscarriage, endured failed fertility treatments and/or have not matched with a birth mother, it's really not that easy to give grace. On top of that, there always seems to be an adorable baby in the crowd who belongs to somebody else. That's just a cruel set of circumstances because you may be torn between wanting to steal said baby or run as far away from it as possible. Yes, I can certainly appreciate that you may be feeling anything but thankful this year.

The Thanksgiving before we adopted our oldest son, I remember shopping for a cape that would cover up all of the weight I had put on after miscarrying. Personally, I was ‘ok’ with going to a gathering with others because it involved good food and wine; those were the only things that seemed to temporarily alleviate my sadness and depression, back then. The group that we happened to be joining that year did not include any newborns. If it had, I am quite certain that I would have monopolized any/all of the babies in attendance. His/her/their parents would have been able to eat, drink and chat without having to balance a wine glass and cocktail plate while holding a tiny infant. As we were saying our “goodbyes,” our close friend’s mother (who now has 3 grown sons) hugged me for a very long time. She, herself, had endured 5 miscarriages before having her oldest son. I sincerely appreciated her quiet understanding in that embrace.

You may be planning to join a group that does include an infant or two and the thought of having to be in the same room with a newborn may just be too difficult for you to endure. Your apprehension is completely understandable! Unfortunately, your friends and family may not truly comprehend it. Their mission will likely be to try to surround you with lots of love and food.

Here’s a thought before the table is set tomorrow--it’s really up to you to decide how you wish to (or not) celebrate this Thanksgiving Holiday. Forget about what is expected of you because that's irrelevant. In fact, you can avoid celebrating altogether. If you do, I hope you escape to a place that allows you to rest and be pampered. And let's be honest, avoiding may be way better than asking Uncle Tom to "Please pass the turkey. And oh, by the way, shut up!"

Another idea is to choose a form of celebration that best fits your mood and mindset. If you know that where you typically celebrate will cause you angst this season, veer off path. My husband and I spent a few years having our Thanksgiving celebration at a very nice restaurant and I think we may have also stayed at a hotel, even though we lived in the same city. That was not unusual for us back then because it allowed us to be somewhere that didn’t house all of the negativity that had come from the baby-making drama. Full disclosure--we did have a bit of an advantage because our family lives far away and we didn’t have the typical pressure of having to please our relatives. The bottom line is if you need to write this year off, then so be it! Your beloved family members will just have to get over it!

As a caveat, if you are thankful for the other blessings in your life, don’t feel guilty about expressing and sharing your appreciation. If you are in the midst of an IVF cycle and are feeling positive, that IS wonderful--celebrate! If you are awaiting the birth of your adopted baby, eat, drink and be merry.

My wish for you is that you will receive your most precious blessings in the form of healthy children in the not-so-distant future.

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Crying and Cursing while Rebuilding from Hurricane Sandy

11/5/2012

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Crying and Cursing while Rebuilding from Hurricane Sandy

This post is dedicated to my friends on the East coast who are dealing with the devastation that Hurricane Sandy thrust upon you. I am deeply, deeply sorry for all of your losses.

There are a good number of you who were in the midst of undergoing fertility treatments or in the process of finalizing your adoptions. Given the lengthy power outages, road closings and transit shut-downs, sadly those procedures and plans were either put on hold or, worse, cancelled due to the upheaval.

In 2007, my basement flooded for the 2nd time while my husband and I were undergoing our first IVF cycle. Until hearing all of the sad stories and seeing the unbelievable destruction, I hadn’t given our experience a whole lot of recent thought. Many of those terrible memories have faded since the births of our sons.

On the night of our 2nd flood, my husband and I had just moved the contents of our basement back into their respectful places from the 1st flood that occurred 4 weeks prior. We never thought we’d ever encounter such an event ever again—at least not in that particular house. What were the odds? (Although, if you have been reading my blog, you have probably come to realize that my husband, Brian, and I should seriously start playing the lottery given our ability to beat crazy odds!)

During the 1st flood, I was running a board meeting that I chaired for Children’s Memorial Hospital. When I got to my car I saw that I had 25 messages on my mobile phone. As I was looking at the screen, my phone rang and it was my husband. Here is what I heard, “D’LO, our basement is flooded and we have lost everything. I am dealing with it and I don’t want you to come downstairs when you get home!” Our basement was fully finished with a family room, full bath with a steam shower, a fireplace and a fabulous laundry room. I don’t recall my response but I remember leaving the parking garage. As I pulled onto the street, I thought to myself, “Well, I’m just not going to go home. I’ll just drive tonight.” We had suffered a miscarriage about 6 weeks prior to the 1st flood and I was still very emotional. I came to my senses after I drove around hopelessly for a while. When I got home, I changed and started helping my husband rip out carpeting and drywall.

When the 2nd flood occurred, my husband and I were present. I was dressed in a pink sundress and was barefoot. Another deluge had begun and we both began to worry about our lovely new basement’s fate. We started to frantically move as many items as we could to the upper floors. Many of my husband’s vintage guitars had been lost in the previous flood along with furniture, photos, our washer & dryer, and a refrigerator. We learned a day after the 1st flood that we didn’t have what is called a sewage backup rider on our insurance policy and therefore were responsible for all of the remediation, repair, construction and replacement expenses. At least this time we wouldn’t have to pay everything out of our own pockets, or so we thought!

As we braced for the 2nd food, I stood in the bathroom with towels stuffed into the toilet and scattered on the floor around our steam shower. What we were dealing with was hydrostatic pressure which means that once the sewers and pipes fill up underground, there is nowhere for the remaining water to go and therefore it just pushes its way up into any opening it can find. In our case, it was any/all drains, the toilet and sinks. We heard a distinctive glunk, glunk, glunk, and with that my husband shouted, “GET READY!” Shortly after his proclamation, the towel in the toilet flew up to the ceiling and a geyser began to erupt out of that toilet. The steam shower was filling up and I was pushing against the glass door with all of my might only to see the filthy water rise above my waist. My husband came in and said, “Let it go, there is nothing we can do.” I started to scream as the putrid water began to run over my bare feet and quickly came up to my shins.

Immediately, I thought, “The IVF drugs are in the laundry room fridge!” I ran through the murk, mud and God-knows-what-else and opened the door to the fridge. I started grabbing as many boxes as I could and then ran upstairs to put them in our kitchen fridge. I can honestly say that I think that I had an actual break-down that night. (My mother, sister, several friends and especially Brian can certainly attest to that fact.) I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. I just couldn’t. Our dear friend, who my husband called to come over to calm me down, took the drugs home with her to store in their refrigerator.

My strength was gone and I allowed myself to completely give into my grief, anger and hatred that accompanied the crazy event. The hatred was directed at the home we had purchased in 2006; I felt that it was rebelling against us by not providing a safe haven while we were trying to heal from our miscarriages and get through our IVF process. We had so many unattained dreams that we believed would be fulfilled when we bought the home. None of that had come to fruition and the damn house was kicking us while we were down. I wanted to leave the keys on the front porch and allow any willing and able party the opportunity to tame whatever demons lived within it.

The next day I went to Home Depot to pick up more cleaning supplies. As I pushed the cart full of bleach, buckets, and fans, I cried openly. Many construction workers gave me questioning and fearful glances. It's not often you go to your local Home Depot to find a seemingly crazy lady without any makeup on, in torn up shorts, a gnarly t-shirt, salmon colored gardening shoes (which come to think of it, actually matched the gnarly t-shirt) crying her way through the aisles.

Upon leaving, I got into my car and listened to my voicemail. The nurse from my doctor’s office had called with more details about our IVF cycle. I begrudgingly returned her call and told her that we had decided to put our IVF cycle on hold. When she heard the reason, she tried to convince me otherwise. At that point, my head was ready to explode and she clearly didn’t understand how devastating all of this was for me. I wasn’t willing to go through an IVF cycle while I was trying to put my home back together. I also felt the stress would be detrimental to the outcome.

When I arrived home, I got right back to work on the clean-up that needed to be accomplished. I was beyond livid because we learned that even though we were covered under the newly added sewage back-up rider, we couldn’t use the coverage. Our agent advised us that this disaster would be considered the 3rd strike on our policy. “What was the first strike?” you ask. Well, six months after we bought the home, our neighbor’s tree was struck by lightning, cracked and collapsed on top of our home. Ironically, the 2nd strike was related to the 1st flood even though we weren’t covered under the policy. The reason we were given was that the 1st flood had been recorded by the insurance agent, who we ultimately fired, and still counted against us. If we chose to put the claim in for the 2nd flood, we would probably be dropped by our current insurance company and not likely eligible for any other home owner’s insurance. (At the time this seemed ludicrous to me. Now that I have some perspective, 3 major catastrophic events to a single home within 2 year period does seem like a humongous liability!) We had put a big portion of our savings into the first basement reconstruction and we were in the midst of an expensive IVF cycle; I was left wondering, “How are we going to afford to fix all of this?” As I cleaned, I did a lot of crying and cursing at that damn house.

My experiences pale in comparison to what you have been through. I know that many of you didn’t have the opportunity to run into your basements and save your fertility drugs. To add insult to injury, you / your donor / your surrogate were trapped with no way to get to your doctor’s office for whatever next steps were planned. For those of you who were having babies through adoption, getting to your baby was next to impossible. Oh, I am so very sorry that Hurricane Sandy got in the way of your hopes and dreams!

I am saying a prayer for all of you while you are in the process of rebuilding your lives and trying to grow your families simultaneously. The only thing I feel may be important for you to hear is that when I was crying and cursing, I didn’t see any goodness down the road for me/us. Those were some of the darkest moments for me, my husband and our marriage. Now that I have my 3 boys, I can tell you that I seldom think of those very bleak days. I was able to move on and find happiness as a mother. In fact, had we gone through that IVF cycle during our 2nd flood, I may have never had the opportunity to be the mother to my guys.

My prayer is that your horrific days will soon pass and you will find your ultimate happiness as a loving parent and all of this horribleness will be nearly forgotten.

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Crying and Cursing while Rebuilding from Hurricane Sandy

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