Category:

Déjà vu

6/29/2013

Déjà vu

My current quest is finding our family a home in a top-rated Chicago school district. The exercise has proven to be exhausting and futile over the past several months.

Last night, we learned that we lost out on an updated, spacious home with loads of storage and a dry basement that was also within walking distance to one of the best elementary schools in the city. I sure hope our opponent won due to a sizable difference in their bid.

When I saw the text from our Realtor that simply read, “I’m sorry but they took the other offer” I immediately felt betrayed, angry and just generally frustrated. Part of my betrayal stemmed from the hope that had begun to grow inside of me. I had already started imagining our future happiness in the home. I was angry because I had wasted my time (and my HR manager’s) frantically trying to gain access to my online ADP account that wouldn’t allow me to login. Our lender needed 2 months worth of pay stubs to work out the numbers and the listing agent had set a rigid deadline for any/all offers to be submitted. When we wrote up the offer within minutes of the deadline, I was committing to more than just the physical property. I was attaching us to the street and the community. I had already convinced myself that our children's future best friends all lived on the same block. My frustration was really about not wanting to start the whole process over again.

This wasn’t the first time we lost out on a home deal either. Back in January, we had made an offer on an even larger home with 5 bedrooms and 3 full baths. It definitely needed more work but the layout was perfect. It was located on Minnehaha Street. Now, I call it Minneboohoo Street.

When I overindulged on pineapple pizza last night while I watched the Mad Men season finale, I thought, “I am feeling some of the very same emotions tonight as I did back when I was facing infertility!”

I wanted to shout, “Why can’t you just let us buy a house?” UGH!!! I’m not really sure who, you is but I am damn mad at him/her!

The source of my internal anxiety is no longer fueled by my biological clock ticking; now it's tied to the ever-rising interest rates. Instead of sending exasperated emails to my fertility nurses/doctors, they now go to our ill-fated Realtor. My new shopping distraction is purchasing Judy Collins, John Denver, Jim Croce and Joni Mitchell songs on iTunes. Apparently, I find solace in songwriters whose first names start with the letter ‘J’. (Ok that realization just struck me. ‘J’ names were obviously very popular in the 1960’s.) I have racked up about $100 on my iTunes account just today.

Don't misunderstand me; purchasing a home can't compare to starting/building a family. My only point is that some of my old infertility wounds have been opened up during our home buying process; it reminds me of the depression I used to feel when I realized that we were back at square one. If you are anything like I was when I was desperately trying to become a mother, you may feel a pang of envy whenever you learn of others good baby fortune. Now, I definitely feel a sense of inequity every time I'm informed that we lost the chance to own a home to which I felt we were entitled. Deep down, you and I both know that the winners are probably just as deserving as we are though. Sadly, that knowledge doesn't take away the sting.

As I listen to these beautiful songs and put my thoughts to paper, I'm gaining important perspective. I realize that finding a great home in the right neighborhood would be nice but all I really need are my sweet and crazy children. I am sure you would trade any/all of your beautiful monetary things for a healthy child. I will keep thinking good thoughts for you. While you are waiting, have a listen to the Judy Collins station on Pandora. It's pretty great!

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Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

5/20/2013

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Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

I have hesitated to write about my mom experiences in this blog/forum because I remember how annoying it was when my friends used to prattle on about their current-day issues with their kids back when I had none to prattle on about. I am breaking my code of silence, however, because I want to reassure you that your current-day worry will become even greater once you become a parent.

I recall obsessively wondering from where my children would come when I was facing infertility. The nights were almost unbearable because I would lie in bed and try to conjure up ways to convince others to put me at the very top of any/all lists that would guarantee my chances of becoming a mother.

Today, I am giving you an assignment that will enable you to be the best parent you can be once your children arrive.

Last night when I was putting our 4.5 year old to bed, he began inquiring about fire safety. He asked what would happen if a fire ever broke out in our house. He wondered how he would get out of his room at night, if the fire were between he and his door. I assured him that mommy and daddy were right down the hall and that we would protect him. In my head I kept chanting/praying, “Lord, please don’t let there ever be a fire in our house—or at least not when any of us are home!”

Then I reminded him that the fire alarm was right outside his door and that it would make a sound if it detected any fire or even smoke. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake because that new knowledge actually provoked more anxiety in him. He doesn’t like loud buzzing noises. I have a sticky note on our dryer buzzer that says, “Make sure this is OFF at all times” The first night we moved into this house, it sounded right after he fell asleep and sent him into a major tailspin.

As we went through about 43 fire safety and escape route scenarios, I thought to myself, “I don’t recall ever laying in bed and wondering about this particular subject matter when I was waiting for you or your brothers to be born.” When we were adopting and going through the egg donor processes, we met with a myriad of professionals who prepared us for the physical, financial and emotional challenges we would face as parents but nobody ever prepped me for this particular event.

Once a person crosses the parental threshold, sex and drug conversations are to be expected; in fact, the first time I held our eldest I said, “Please don’t ever do drugs!” But who prepares/reminds us that we will be faced with a parental challenge of epic proportions almost every single day once our children make their way to us? Well, I guess that’s what I am doing right now, eh?

Don’t get me wrong, while I was sitting on the side of his bed and we were talking all of this through, I felt honored to be his mother. In those minutes, the awesome sense of responsibility came at me in full force. Looking back, I now realize that I had an idealistic and simplistic view of what parenting a very young child would be like; now it seems, overly so.

When I have a second to ponder the desperation I once felt about becoming a mother, I often think to myself, “I guess I should have used those months/years to prepare for how to alleviate my children’s angst about what life may have in store for them” (imagined or real). Now that I have been given the awesome gift of motherhood, I become stumped so often at the numerous inquiries my young children throw at me.

In short, here is my message to you—Spend the time that you have now preparing yourself to be the best parent that you can be. Once your child/children arrive, you will not be given a cheat sheet of the questions he/she/they will throw at you at any given moment. They start doing this at a very young age; you will be surprised!

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Denise sits down with the I AM BIG SHOW

4/13/2013

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Denise sits down with Ayush on the I AM BIG SHOW

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So, Now What?

3/21/2013

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So, now what?

This post is dedicated to all of you who are asking yourselves, “So, now what?” I received an early morning text from a dear friend who recently became pregnant thanks to an anonymous egg donor cycle. This morning’s text was panic-ridden. After having just celebrating her rising HCG levels last week, I learned that she had begun spotting this morning. I was saying, "No, no, no!" in my head. It took me back to when I experienced a similar scare when I became pregnant the very same way.

Prior to my scare, I had experienced 2 other miscarriages. They were not typical and occurred much later in my pregnancies. I didn’t spot/bleed and was unaware that I had lost my babies until the ultrasounds indicated that their heartbeats had stopped. What people don’t tell us is that there is no such thing as a typical pregnancy or miscarriage. We experience them with varying symptoms and side effects.

Unfortunately, it may take a few days for my friend to know if she is miscarrying or if her pregnancy is still intact. I am now sitting on the sidelines, much like my loved ones did for me/us, and just praying that her pregnancy and baby(s) will survive. While her pain and anxiety is off the charts, it's excruciating for me not to be able to influence her outcome.

I know she is feeling tortured. She wants an answer but only the one that will assure her a healthy baby in 9 months. When her mind starts to wander the other way, it’s just too difficult for her to fathom enduring yet another painful loss. I am sending her prayers and hoping that her doctor will say to her what mine said to me which was, “Spotting is very common with twins!”

Kisses and hugs to all of you who are fretting and worrying. I am praying that your healthy babies come to you quickly and with as little stress as possible.

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

2/9/2013

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Making Love, not War during Infertility

The day my husband, Brian, and I learned that the 3 embryos resulting from our first IVF cycle all had massive chromosomal abnormalities, strife and resentment began to fester between us. I had just walked in the back door having returned from an acupuncture appointment. We were due to go into our endocrinologist’s office the next morning to transfer the embryos that had fertilized from my egg retrieval a few days prior. Brian asked me to sit down and he seemed extremely somber. I thought to myself, “Oh God, who died?” I hadn’t even considered that the news he was about to deliver would be related to our IVF cycle.

After he shared the news, we held each other and cried together. He had written down a lot of facts that included the specific chromosomes that were abnormal for each embryo. Then came the defining moment that seemed to set the tone of our tumultuous infertility journey, Brian had moved to one of our club chairs and was sitting across from me when he said, “Well, we are going to have to look into using an egg donor!” Fury was what I felt, smelled and tasted at that very moment; I flew into a rage.

My anger stemmed from him not giving me even a moment to grieve the loss of my fertility or even process it for that matter. It was abundantly clear to us both that my eggs had spoiled and were beyond rotten. Given my age, my previous miscarriages and the new set of harsh facts, the notion of me ever carrying my own biological children had just died. I was incensed that my husband had already accepted that reality and had moved onto his desired path within an hour of the heartbreaking news.

My outrage was intense. I remember thinking (and maybe even saying) “This has to do with me. How about letting me decide how we are going to move forward?!” Of course, I realized this had to do with us both but I wanted/needed it to be about me in that moment.

After many hurtful words were spat, Brian demanded that we get in the car and go for a ride. It was chilly outside so we both threw on our jackets. Before we left, I poured myself a large glass of Pinot Noir. I figured that since I wasn’t going to carrying a pregnancy that week, I could do whatever I wished. That memory actually makes me shudder because it reminds me of just how emotionally weak I had become and how deep my despair had grown back then.

We drove for a short distance when Brian stopped our car (obviously he was the designated driver) on the street adjacent to our favorite park. This was the place where we rode our bikes days after our second miscarriage to release our tension. We often strolled there and talked about our hopes and dreams of having a baby. We would watch children playing and chuckle at the tantrums they put their loving parents through when they were told it was time to leave.

I didn’t want to get out of the car. He came to my side and begged me to get out and walk. I ultimately relented but not without bringing my glass of wine. On our stroll, he tried to make me understand his point-of-view when he made the poisonous statement minutes earlier. I yelled and cried at him for all of the park patrons to see. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would never be planning any play dates with the mothers present so what did it matter.

No resolution was found on that day nor would it be for quite some time. Our relationship became embattled during our journey to find out children. I felt for the longest time that the comment Brian made that day nearly broke us as a couple. It was difficult for me to let go of my anger and resentment towards him because I couldn’t understand how the person who was supposed to love and cherish me could have been so insensitive to my feelings. We moved forward with our goal to build our family through various means but I often thought, “How can we focus on having a child when we can't even agree on how to make it happen?”

Forgiveness, on both of our parts, has come over time. As I have said before, the process of building a family through alternative measures tests everything we know about ourselves, our partner and those who are doing their best to support us. One of the most difficult aspects of infertility is that it shakes our foundation and forces us try to stand while the ground beneath us is completely unsteady. While we try to hold onto each other, sometimes the force is so great that we lose our grip. While we stretch for our partner, it seems that his/her fingertips are just beyond our reach. The sad irony is that we have never needed our partner's love and support more.

I realize that I'm airing our dirty laundry; I do so with the hope that it will somehow spare you the profound pain and agony we endured while building our family. My message to you is simple; protect your marriage/partnership with all your might. Work on building the love, trust and respect between you and your partner because once your children enter the World, in whatever way that happens, your relationship will be the basis onto which that little human will rely. In other words, make love, not war! Peace, my dear friends.

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Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

8/24/2012

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Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

It is no secret that when you are faced with having to find alternative ways to start your family, there is often a financial obligation that goes along with whatever path you choose to pursue. Before you decide to put your goal of building your family up on a shelf, I want to share some ways that you may not have considered to help offset some of the related expenses.

When we began our domestic adoption process, I had educated myself of the costs involved and had set aside an allocated budget. Our private domestic adoption ended up costing us a little over $45,000. That included the attorneys’, agency, licensing, travel, and marketing fees. We also covered some of our birthmother’s living expenses which were required by State law. Depending on which State you adopt from in the US, you may be required to pay some or all of the birth mother’s expenses. You should be mindful that domestic adoption carries a risk both emotionally and financially; 30% or more of domestic adoptions do not end up completing. A birth mother has the right to decide to keep her child even if she has indicated otherwise before her child is born. You may potentially have to forfeit the fees and expenses you paid towards an incomplete adoption. Some adoption agencies will credit you, however, should you decide to move forward with another domestic adoption. It varies based on your agency and/or firm.

In our case, the majority of our adoption-related expenses were due right before our son’s birth and shortly before our adoption was complete. Given that we had set aside savings for the adoption itself, we were able to absorb those costs without becoming overly burdened. I would encourage you to do the same if you are able. I kept copious records of all of our expenses and held onto every single receipt. That enabled us to claim all of our adoption expenses on our taxes which resulted in a substantial tax credit.

With regard to our egg donor costs, we ended up paying about $30,000. Most of our costs were associated with egg donor agency, the donor and attorneys’ fees. Mercifully, we had wonderful insurance and were covered for up to 4 IVF cycles.

I will share a cautionary tale, however. Even though we received the official paperwork that stated we were covered for the 4 cycles, the day before our first IVF retrieval was scheduled to take place, I was informed by our doctor’s office that the procedure was denied by our insurance company. The bottom line was that if we were going to move forward with the procedure we either had to pay it out of pocket or get the claim approved by our insurance company. You can imagine my frustration. Since then, I have learned that this is a very common occurrence among those who have submitted claims for their fertility treatments. In my opinion, insurance companies try to throw up as many road blocks as they can to deter people from making expensive claims. I imagine in some cases they succeed in defeating those who don’t wish go through the hassle and red tape of getting their procedures approved.

I was adamant about moving forward with the procedure. Interestingly enough, this was the cycle that lead to us learning I was completely infertile; all 3 of the embryos that grew had massive chromosomal disorders and we were unable to move forward with the transfer. Once the process begins, it is counted by the insurance provider (even if they don't approve/pay for it). But I was determined that our insurance company WAS going to pay. I began by contacting my husband’s HR benefits coordinator. I then connected with a case manager at our insurance provider. In addition to my efforts, it also took our doctor’s office resubmitting a great deal of paperwork before the close of business. After much anxiety, the procedure was approved and we went in for our retrieval that next day.

As an aside, you have to really work at being connected with those case managers. If time is of the essence, (and it often is in these situations) my advice to you would be to ask to speak to a case manager as soon as you connect with a customer service representative.  Customer service reps are able to handle general questions but when it comes to something as important as getting a fertility treatment covered, that requires someone who has the adequate authority to make that call. The customer service rep will probably try to prevent you from speaking to a case manager so be polite yet firm. Once you do connect with the case manager, don’t let your emotions get the best of you. The more polite/calm you remain, the better your chances are to convince that case worker that they should advocate on your behalf. They will most likely have to state your case to a physician who is employed by the insurance company; the insurance provider’s physician will be the ultimate decision maker in determining whether your procedure will be covered or not.

There is a lot of talk about potential changes to federal laws which may affect how fertility treatment claims are handled. The best advice that I can give you on this topic is continue to seek out the information as it becomes available. I will do my best to post related articles on the Hope4Fertility Facebook page.

Whether you are considering adoption or infertility treatments, you should start researching   your insurance coverage, the types of benefits your employer may offer for adoption and begin thinking about a preliminary budget you may be able to allocate towards building your family. Also, be mindful that the health insurance plan in which you are currently enrolled may not allow for fertility treatments but your employer may offer other plans that will. Mark the date on your calendar when open enrollment occurs. Even if you are only thinking about seeking fertility treatments, sign up for the plan that offers coverage, if it is available. While the premium may be higher and more may be deducted out of your paycheck, it will definitely save you a great deal overall if/when you seek treatment. In my case, our insurance not only covered my treatment but also our egg donor's (excluding her fees for service, however).

If you feel that adoption or fertility treatments are just beyond your reach, there are programs available to those who quality to help absorb some of the associated costs.

Educational Conferences: A Family of My Own hosts conferences in several different States that provide the latest information in the field of family building. Check the site for conferences closest to you. The site also provides links to adoption and fertility grants.

Domestic Adoption Fee Estimates: Adoption.com has a great article on estimating the potential fees for domestic adoption. Also, please check out the Child Welfare Information Gateway site. There is more in-depth information about navigating the ways to underwrite the expenses of adopting.

International Adoption Fee Estimates: Given that I did not adopt internationally, I have no personal data that I may share. Adoption.com has another great article on estimating the potential fees associated on International adoption, however.

Fertility Treatment Fee Estimates: Fertility treatments are a little more difficult to ballpark because there are a lot of variables in the equation. Depending on the diagnosis, varied treatments are recommended. Each procedure is billed differently and fertility drugs are prescribed based on each patient’s treatment plan. State laws also impact how insurance companies cover fertility procedures and prescriptions.

Navigating the Costs of Infertility:
·5 Tips to offset IVF costs
·Financing Your Infertility Treatments, by Mindy Berkson
·Can You Afford Fertility Treatments?

Infertility Procedure Grants:
·Jude Andrew Adams Charitable Fund Application
·Links to grants from Creating a Family
·Links from RESOLVE

Adoption Grants:
·iAdopt.Info Includes a long list of grants available to hopeful families

I hope you find these resources helpful. In addition to these, you may find even more by simply typing in “adoption grants” or “fertility grants”.

Until next time...

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Finding your parental path

Déjà vu

Déjà vu

Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

Don’t Worry, Your Worry will get Bigger

Denise sits down with the I AM BIG SHOW

Denise sits down with Ayush on the I AM BIG SHOW

So, Now What?

So, now what?

Making Love, not War during Infertility

Making Love, not War during Infertility

Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

Offsetting the Cost of Building Your Future Family

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